Just wanted write

IF ANYONE READS THIS: BEFORE YOU KEEP READING I WANT TO MAKE IT SURE THAT I NOT MAD OR UPSET AT ANYONE THAT IS PREGNANT OR JUST HAD A BABY!

Okay so this is not me at all to post this many times in a 24 hour period. I guess you are still reading but I don't want anyone upset with me. I guess I just am using this has a little journal. I have never actually keep anything really in here but tonight I am. Today before Jeremy left for the field I was starting to get down. I get depressed every now and then especially the more I see or hear that others are pregnant or see a lot of newborns. I told Jeremy that nothing was wrong and I was doing okay. Then has I set home alone, singing some sad songs on my SingStar game, My mother-in-law calls me with "great news". She was so excited and I was like great, now what, and I guessed it, one of Jeremy's cousin is expecting. His mom was so excited so I was like okay. When I got off the phone with her that is when I just lost it. It never gets any easier just harder to understand. Don't get me wrong everyone that is reading this and is pregnant or just had a kid I am so excited for you. I am not upset at you. It keeps getting worst. I been wanting to send something to my brother for Parker (Adam or Kim if you are reading this now you know why the gift will be late) but Jeremy won't go into the baby section of any store and then I tried to go without him and I could not do it. I am just having trouble right now I don't know why. Jeremy was so upset the week of his birthday cause he feels like he is getting old, he wanted to be young when he had kids. This whole holiday was hard on us which was one reason we went to Disney World. We did not want to go home family and babies, because the holidays are when we really get down about having a child. But when we got to Disney world and one night we were watching the fire works over the castle this family was sitting next to us and there little kids just keep talking my ears off and I could not help but laughed has I eventually started crying. It is just getting harder and harder, and time is going by faster and faster. It does not help that him being in the Army he might deployed next fall and be gone a year, so that would be another year lost. I even get to where I hate to go to church here, I go but it is so hard cause there are so many people pregnant or new babies, I think we have had 4 births in the past 3 months in our ward. Yeah, it is crazy. We just want our chance to have a child and some days we give up. We have completely given up when the Dr called about Jeremy coming in for other test, so we tried to lift our spirits, but it is scary to think that our future and what will happen in our future is past on this one test. I think back to high school, when all my friends picked on me cause I wanted lots of kids, they always told me I was going to be bare footed and pregnant. LOL! Now, I have none but they all do. I just can't get over it. I to the point where I want to start looking for adoption though the state of GA or just start off doing foster care. Jeremy is scared though, he is scared about doing that and our family not expecting the child. I think it is his family that will have a problem. Anyways, I am sorry to go on and on and I don't even know if this makes any sense to you. I just love to typed and needed to get some things out, since Jeremy was not here to talk to. Thanks for listening if you are still here. So to talk your ear off.

PS I know many of you will say just keep the faith but it just gets hard!