Okay, I been thinking about writing this blog all week. I feel like I need advise or help on things that will help me, not be so scared or how to "fit in". I have loved moving all over the world don't get me wrong but the one thing that scares me and worries me the most is going to a new ward or church. I will make myself sick and get really bad anxiety attacks just thinking about the whole week before. I know what I should do but I make myself so sick that I can't do it! Does that make any sense?
Let me explain something, I grew up in a small ward and lived in the same church till I was 18. I love this ward and it was like a family. I even move back to Buna to go back to the ward after I got married because I enjoy it. And, that is the reason when Jeremy gets out of the Army I want to move back to Buna because I fell like that is my home! So, I never learn how to move and how to "fit in" in other wards and I guess I never realized it that I have trouble making friends.
Well, in 2005 we moved to Utah. It never cross my mind on how different the church would be or that I would not "Fit in." I never fit in, no one would even come say hi to me I just set in the back row every week and during Relief Society, I never felt so alone. Oh, every week they would come ask me my name for the roll but that was it, then after months they would try to guess which was worst in my book. It got to a point that every week I would end up walking out of church in tears cause I felt so alone and going to church would just make me more home sick. I just got what was the point going is all it did was make me more upset. So, while Jeremy was at AIT I packed up our apartment and move back in with my Dad for a few months so I could be active in church.
Then in 2008 we moved to Huntsville, GA. I was scared again about going to a new ward and how I would fit in. Something I learn here was I felt like the main reason I could not make friends was because I don't have kids. Every time we move the first question people ask "what about kids" and then when they found out we don't have kids I feel like "oh they are newlyweds and don't like kids so I have nothing in common with them" Which is not true and I feel like I am always being punished for not having kids. I feel like the church always have "play dates" and alot of people make friends though their kids. And here I am been marry for 10 years, 31 year old and I can't make friends cause everyone my age should have a kid. So, I feel like I am punished for that.
So, the ward seem nice where one of the first things I got invited to was a bunch of wives would take their kids to the park, have a picnic and visit. I explain that I dont have any kids but they beg that I come anyways, so I did hoping it would help me make friends and not be so scared. Well, I remember sitting there while they talk about when they were pregnant and childbirth. So, it was a backfire on me and I never felt like I should go to another one. So, during this time I would go to church sit in the back and try to leave before anyone saw me. I did not want to talk to people sometimes I would stay for all 3 hours but some times I would let my anxiety make me sick so I would have an excuses to leave. I went so I could say I was there but did not want to be.
Well, during this time there was a couple of ladies that I have meet in Relief Society a few times that every time I saw them around town would stop and talk to me, ask me how I was doing and let me know if there was an activity soon or what was going on, to make sure I knew. I hope these sisters realized how much this meant to me, cause I that point I realized that this was not like Utah they actually knew who I am and it felt good. So, Jeremy was about to deployed in 4 months and the Military Missionaries came by like always but when talking with them said something about the wards needs people because a bunch of the guys were deploying and needs people. Which I explain to them that I love working in primary and all my callings have been in nursery or teaching Sunbeams, that I would love to help out any time. So, the next Sunday they introduce me to the one of the sisters that was in the Primary Presidency. She explain to me that they actually was going to need a sub in nursery and ask if I would be willing!
Well, excited and scared all at the same time, but that was a blessing and what I needed. I remember walking into the gym and meeting the lead teacher, M, and sitting about 16 kids playing on the floor, and was shocked cause I never seen a nursery so big. I have to say that was my favorite Sunday in a long time. During the next week I got stop at the grocery store by the Primary presidency if I could sub again in nursery the following week, and maybe for a few weeks after. Smiling really big I said yes! So a couple of weeks later I got called to work in the nursery and it was a great joy. M (the other teacher) became a good friend and help me get involved. I also got to know a lot of the parents that had kids in nursery. I love it and Sundays had actually went from my worst day to my favorite day of the week. Not only did I go every Sunday now, but I did not feel shy any more and I went to Relief Society activities I started helping on Wednesday, and just got involved. I had finally found another ward like my "home" ward. I say thanks if you are reading this to everyone in Hinesville that became a friend!
Then I cried two years later when I had to leave that ward and the friends that I had made to go to Germany. I was so scared that how it was over there. I did not know if there would be a English/military branch or if I would be going a German ward. Well, we was in a small ward that was both English and German. They spoke both languages which made it very hard to pay attention. At first I enjoyed the ward, every one seem nice and people was very helpful when Jeremy was in the hospital and we did not have a car. I enjoyed the ward, we just did not get to go that often cause Jeremy was either at work or in the hospital. Well, a few months later, we get told that people from the ward was talking about us and all this stuff about Jeremy and how he was faking to get attention. At that point we also notice that no one talk to us anymore too. Then I went to the PX where I ran into someone that looked at me shock, cause she said she was told that we had already left Germany. I was frustated that people are talking about us so why would I want to go. And, also we never went cause Jeremy was scared about having a seizure in church.
Well, now we are in San Antonio and I have looked it up we will be in the Woodlake Ward. Why I know nothing of the ward I am scared for Sunday to come. We have not been to church since we move here cause we did not have a car, then I did not know what ward to go to since we were in an hotel.
So, Sunday I am going but I am so scared. Should I be scared to go to church? I am scared not knowing anyone, then I have to worry about Jeremy and how is he going to do. Is he going to have a seizure in the middle of it and make a scene? Will he be able to enjoy it? Will he have a seizure when I am not around and they call 911? What if he has a seizure during scarement, will it scare children? Okay, I am going to stop sorry for writing a book... I just had to get it off my chest!
3 months ago
