The Last 2 Months

Well, I have not posted anything in a while because a lot was going on and I just did not know how to take it all in and did not feel like putting it all out there.  But, now that it is all over I feel like writing this to let it go.  For everyone that was wondering about the little girl I posted on facebook about or had pictures about here it the story.

The end of July we went to Houston to Jeremy's family get together.  It was a Saturday so we plan to go shopping afterwards at the Katy Mills Mall and get a hotel and then head back home Sunday.  We were going to have us a little weekend get away.  Well, after we left Jeremy's family heading to go find a hotel I got a phone call from my aunt (PS I am trying to drive downtown heavy traffic about now) saying that my Aunt needed someone to watch one of her children, ms S (I am not using really names sorry).  We were told that it was just for a couple of weeks.  Well, of course anyone that knows me and J knows that we have a big heart for children and we said "yes".

Well, we got her that night and I was so scared of how she would do not knowing us.  At first it was hard cause she got attached to me and would not let me walk out of the room and leave her with J.  But, J took a few days off so he could stay home with her and she adjusted just fine.  We enjoyed having her with us.  We did everything and made her trip with us the best.  We spoiled her just a little and try to treat her on things she don't get in the country and let her experience other things.  We went to the park, Children's museum  trips to the Zoo, Japanese Tea Gardens, friend's birthday party, playing at the YMCA, and  riding bike, doing bubbles, and sidewalk chalk with the neighborhood kids. At the end of it all we threw her a little birthday party complete with everything a birthday party for a little girl should have.

Now with all that excitement there was some tough times.  Like having to drive 5 hours to Dallas with her to pick up our car and come back all in the same day.  Having to entertain her while all our household goods were being delivered and then trying to unpack it all.  Waking that Angel up at 6am to take J to work, never getting time to get on Facebook anymore, not being able to go to the movies or out to eat.  Now all this being said I would do it all again even the bad stuff just to have those wonderful memories I made.

So well, Ms S went back to her mother at the end of September and it was really hard to pack up her stuff and willing give her back.  It is hard cause I know I was giving her a lot better then what her parents can but according to the state there was nothing wrong and she could have her back, so my hands were tied.  That being said when I gave her back it felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I did LOVE having her here I was tired of all the negative stuff that came with it.  I was ready for phone calls and text all day and night to stop, tired of all the rumors, lies, gossip that was going around.  Tired of worrying everyday what will happen tomorrow, trying to figure out who said what and what was true what wasn't, and what the law was. I was just not ready to deal with all that. So when I gave her back to her mom I felt like all that went back with her and all I can hope is that Ms S keeps learning and growing and does good.

So with all of this being said we should have at least learn something right.  And that is the good news this was all for something and it was a learning experiment.  I have ask myself lots of times why have I not had a chance or been able to have a child in 10 years of us together?  I can go on about this subject for years and what is not fare about it but I will save that for another day.  I will say this I look back on 10 years and think about all the children that do have a place in my heart, (let me explain)
-10 years ago I helped an old friend alot with her 4 kids, I was even there in the room when kid 4 was born and cut the cord, Me and J was there alot for those kids then
- 6 years ago we live in an apartment in Utah and this single mother with 2 little girls lived above us.  We helped her out alot with the girls and that Christmas we spent all our money that was saved to buy for each other and help give those girls a wonderful Christmas
- 2 years ago my sister Beka came to live with us for about 5 months.  It was some great fun and it was great to build that bond and what made it more special was she got to welcome J home from Iraq which is a memory we are share
- This year we got to take in Ms S and it was a great joy
PLUS all the kids I have babysitted for, nanny, been a nursery leader for or just let come over and spent the night

So what does all this mean... For me I look at all this has a great blessing.  If I would had gotten pregnant when I wanted to 9 years ago or so would I have made a difference in all these kids lives.  Would I have given so much to all these kids or would I have been busy with my family and not able to do has much has I can now.  I sit back and say I am glad I was able to do what I did and even though some of the kids I will never see again, I don't care I know I did something good.

The other thing we learn is that we can love any child.  We have talked about for years adopting or fostering to adopt programs but deep down J was always scared that he would not be able to look at a child given to him at any age and begin to love that child.  He fell in loved with Ms S and that was the first time to meet her so now he tells me he knows that he can love any child even if it is not blood.  I am thankful that he was able to realized that for I always knew he could but he had to find it within his own heart.  So we have put on our plans to try to foster to adopt but first we need to save some money and try to get some help for J issues then we will begin down that road.

Well, I am going to stop writing but here is a quote I found and fell in love with and reminds me to keep my head up
Fall, fall hard. And if you get your heart broken you will recover in time but the impact youre making on that child's life will never go away.
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