I just want to give up!

Okay I was debating writing this but you know when something is really bothering you all you want to do is write it, well that is me. But I hate writing and love typing so I am going to write this and if it is TMI (too much information) then you can just stop reading it. Okay, deal?

So, I went back to the Doctor (GYN) today for a follow up about the issue I been having for the last six month but epically the last month and half. Well, for me all I did the whole appointment is cry my eyes out, yes you heard me is cry. I sat there in the room and then in his office crying my eyes out that I just don't know what to do anymore. I even told the doctor that I just want to give up and have a Hysterectomy done cause I am tried of everything. He told me he know I did not mean that and am just having trouble with an hormonal imbalance which he says is why I am and been so emotional and crying so much about this. That is when I found out that this crying might be because of the Birth Control because he told me he has me on the highest dose of Birth control in a pill there is. Wow!
So anyways, he think there is a chance for something seriously so wants me to do a Econometrics Biopsy. He said he just wants to check for cancer or anything else. So he decide with the emotions I was already having it might be best to reschedule the appointment and try the biopsy at another time and when i have someone available to drive me home just incase i have any pain and also i could take something before the biopsy to help with the pain. So there is one ideal! So I go on the 20th (I think) to have this done. So if it comes up yes it might be something serious but at least I would know what the problem is. But if it comes up negative, good nothing serious, but we are right back at step one.
But hopefully maybe my period will go back to normal on its on and all this will end. But if not then you wants me to try strong birth control method other then the pill. This is what got me really upset. I always said I NEVER wanted to take any birth control. Don't know why just always said that. But now I feel like I being force to TAKE birth control even when I WANT to get pregnant. I just don't know anymore. The pill was okay I take it get my hormoes somewhat normal again and then go off when Jeremy comes home, but not if I try these other things some kind of Nuveau Ring (don't know if I spelled it right) or a IUD. I don't want them and I think he could tell I did not want them and keep telling me that would be the best thing or if not that. It is going on to other stuff that will make it unable to have a baby.

So yeah I very emotional day for me. I don't know what to do anymore. I am hoping that everything will work out and I will have the Biopsy and everything will be negative and that maybe with weight loss maybe my body will start being normal. LOL!

Anyways sorry I feel better now! Sorry might have been too much information but I had to get it off my chest!

Don't Go the Bed Early

Okay, so I learn not to go to bed early again.
Last night about 5pm I got a headache that was so bad all I could do is sleep. So you got it after about 2 hours of fighting it I gave in and went to sleep. So that must be nice at 7pm hitting the sack and I was OUT the minute my head hit the pillow.
But I can't do that again why, you wonder. Well, it is 4:30 am in the morning and I have been up since about 3am.. UGH! Now I want to go to sleep cause I know it will be a long day and no time for a nap. I can't do this again!
I just want to go to sleep now!
Good note is that I don't have a headache anymore! lol!

Oh, well another 3 more hours I should hit the gym!

Ready for 2010!

So wow, it is 2010! Hard to believe but I at least hope this year flies by. So this year I have lots of plans and hope to keep busy so this year does flies by. associated this 2010 with dealing with a deployment. Our very FIRST deployment. So I never really made goals for the deployment cause I am going to call them my deployment/2010 goals.
So I decide to make a list of my 2010 plans: So here it goes:

1) SURVIVE THIS DEPLOYMENT SANE!!!!!! LOL! sorry I had to put it on there.

2) Take care of myself. I am hoping to get in shape and do a lot of walking and running! Me and Jeremy have a goal together when he comes back run a 5K together. So I got to start going to the gym more often.

3) Along with number #2 is to lose weight. I am hoping to start losing weight so maybe that will help me be able to get pregnant. I hope to lose about 70lbs till year if not more. That sounds like alot but divide up it is only like 6lbs a month. So hopefully I will lose more it would be awesome to lose 100lbs.

4) Also hopefully soon I can get my medically issues I am having taken care of. I hope that the appointment I have this Friday the Doctor will agree to do the surgury that will end this for now.

5) Learning to say "NO". I am learning to say no to people I don't need to be there for everyone I have to think about myself also. I love to help others but yeah I need help at times too! So I also need to learn how to ask for help myself. I get a little too independent and forget that I can't do everything alone.

6) Clean my house, organized my house, and have a yard sale to get all the junk out of here! Yes I want to get my help super clean.

7) Also, I hope to do some crafts project. I hope to be able to spend more time scrapbooking and making trying other crafts.

8) I also plan on taking a lot of college classes in this year. Hopefully to get enough done to be at least half way there. Hopefully I can do a lot of classes!

9) I plan to make a trip home to Texas alone. No, not to stay the whole year but to go down to visit. I hope to spend some time with my family. I hope to be able to get to know my little nephew, Parker again. Also, during this time I hope to spend some time with my Sister Andrea so maybe we can act like sister again. Which is a main reason for me to go!

10) Last plan is to plan a nice and cheap trip when he gets to come home for R& R. He is hoping for August so we can say it is an Anniversary too! Which would be our 8th year! WOW! Anyways, I think I am planning for us just to go to Atlanta, GA. We been wanting to go up there to go to the Georgia Aquarium and the Zoo. We have also talked about going to the Coke-Cola factory. So that sounds like a cool ideal to do. I am crossing my fingers and hoping to add a suprise for Jeremy, that would be if the Braves have a game that night! He would love that!

Well anyways, there are some of my goals I am sure I have more but just can't think tonight. I started my new year's off with a headache all day today that I can't get rid of.

Reflecting on 2009

Wow I can't believe the end of 2009 is here, wow what a year?!?!

So I try to sit back and think about the blessings and wonderful things about this year. I think of all the time together we spend and places we went and visited.
I was going to do a month by month recap of the year but I don't know if I could think of something to say about each month so here it goes:

January: The training began for Jeremy, we knew that by the end of this year we would have to say good bye to each other but was going to make it a great year. Also, this month my nephew Parker was born, but I could not wait for the chance to meet him!
February: We had a wonderful Valentine's Day dinner. My husband suprise me with a already paid Manicure and Pedicure to get me out of the house while he made a wonderful 3 course meal. This was also after he made me breakfast in bed. A wonderful day!
March: I think we made a trip down to Florida to see the Jacksonville Zoo, I know we are 2 adults but we enjoy going to zoos and aquariums together those are our favorite places to visit.
April: We had a wonderful yard sale and sold alot of the much junk we had around the house. We took the money and went on a little get away to Tybee Island, GA. There we just relaxed and spend some time together.
May and June: These month we did not do anything exciting but was able to spend some time together and get to know each other better. We dealt with some issues during this time but it all worked out for the best.
July: Beka got to come stay with us for 3 weeks and have a WONDERFUL JULY 4th with us. She even enjoy dancing to Trace Adkins. Anyways that was great to spend time with her. Also, in July Jeremy finally got a promoted to PFC. I was so happy!
August: This month Jeremy began his really serious training for deployment. He attended Raider Focus out in the field for most of the month. He also was promoted again to SPC. Way to go again!
September: We were able to take leave and go back home to Texas and visit our love ones there. I was so excitied to finally meet my nephew Parker. The trip was wonderful and it was so nice to see everyone and even ended with some crabbing.
October: Jeremy went away for almost 4 weeks to Fort Irwin, CA for NTC training. There he learn alot more and training and almost real life Iraq situations. I missed him alot but we made it trough.
November: This month was my birthday and thanks to my husband I enjoyed. We also got to spend my birthday at Hilton Head, SC at a Marriage retreat. It was fun and a great relationship building classes. Anyways, we started the count down and knew he was leaving soon.
December: The month everything happen in, We started off the month with a trip up to Kentucky/ Tennessee to see my brother in law, Jason and his new girlfriend. On one day on the way up there we stop in Chattanooga, TN and enjoy some of the sites of the city together. Then we came home and begun to prepare for the goodbye. That day arrived fast but we did it and now we just wait for the hello again. Also this month, my husband was able to resign for another 6 years into the Army but will change jobs into something he enjoys more.

So basically that has been our year a lot of training and preparing but It was a great year together and I look forward to 2010 and hopes it brings even more joy and blessings!

Day one at the Gym

That is right, I hit the gym today. So one goal while my husband is away is get in shape, lose weight and learn to enjoy it. So, Jeremy has been gone 16 days and I still have not even started my goal. I kept making up excuses like maybe I should wait till after the holidays, start in the new year and things like that. So today or better tonight I was bored and wanted to get out of the house but had no money, so what shall I do. I know go to the gym, but really, alone. But I brave myself and did it. I was scared at first, sorry I feel like the big fat person there cause for some reason it seem like the everyone at the gym is already in shape... Does anyone else feel like that? LOL! Anyways, I did it and got over my fear of going to the gym.
So I did the treadmill and was able to do ONE mile in 27:43. I don't know if that is bad or not for me being 29 and never really run in my life. So I am proud that it was under 30 minutes. Hopefully I could do 2 miles in that time by next year. I also went to the weight room with the machines. I don't know anything about free weights but I can find things to do on the mechanics. Anyways, that is where I was beginning to doubt myself and think maybe I should just leave. But I close my eyes to do another life and I swear i could here my husband voice like he was like there telling me not to give you and that he was proud of me. After that I was feeling great to keep working out. So I did more legs, arms and crunches. Then I decide to go back to the cardio room and end with some bike. But, on my way I hear a terrible noise. Some how the fire alarm went off so everyone had to leave the building. They said we did not HAVE to leave but they close in a hour, but it will be awhile cause they have to wait till MPs and fire deptartment comes and clear the building before anyone could come back in;. So, there is no telling how much time we would have so I decide not to sit around in the freezing cold to wait. I think I had a good workout. 55 minutes was good enough for me. Now, lets see if I could do this everyday. Wish me luck!