The Last 2 Months

Well, I have not posted anything in a while because a lot was going on and I just did not know how to take it all in and did not feel like putting it all out there.  But, now that it is all over I feel like writing this to let it go.  For everyone that was wondering about the little girl I posted on facebook about or had pictures about here it the story.

The end of July we went to Houston to Jeremy's family get together.  It was a Saturday so we plan to go shopping afterwards at the Katy Mills Mall and get a hotel and then head back home Sunday.  We were going to have us a little weekend get away.  Well, after we left Jeremy's family heading to go find a hotel I got a phone call from my aunt (PS I am trying to drive downtown heavy traffic about now) saying that my Aunt needed someone to watch one of her children, ms S (I am not using really names sorry).  We were told that it was just for a couple of weeks.  Well, of course anyone that knows me and J knows that we have a big heart for children and we said "yes".

Well, we got her that night and I was so scared of how she would do not knowing us.  At first it was hard cause she got attached to me and would not let me walk out of the room and leave her with J.  But, J took a few days off so he could stay home with her and she adjusted just fine.  We enjoyed having her with us.  We did everything and made her trip with us the best.  We spoiled her just a little and try to treat her on things she don't get in the country and let her experience other things.  We went to the park, Children's museum  trips to the Zoo, Japanese Tea Gardens, friend's birthday party, playing at the YMCA, and  riding bike, doing bubbles, and sidewalk chalk with the neighborhood kids. At the end of it all we threw her a little birthday party complete with everything a birthday party for a little girl should have.

Now with all that excitement there was some tough times.  Like having to drive 5 hours to Dallas with her to pick up our car and come back all in the same day.  Having to entertain her while all our household goods were being delivered and then trying to unpack it all.  Waking that Angel up at 6am to take J to work, never getting time to get on Facebook anymore, not being able to go to the movies or out to eat.  Now all this being said I would do it all again even the bad stuff just to have those wonderful memories I made.

So well, Ms S went back to her mother at the end of September and it was really hard to pack up her stuff and willing give her back.  It is hard cause I know I was giving her a lot better then what her parents can but according to the state there was nothing wrong and she could have her back, so my hands were tied.  That being said when I gave her back it felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I did LOVE having her here I was tired of all the negative stuff that came with it.  I was ready for phone calls and text all day and night to stop, tired of all the rumors, lies, gossip that was going around.  Tired of worrying everyday what will happen tomorrow, trying to figure out who said what and what was true what wasn't, and what the law was. I was just not ready to deal with all that. So when I gave her back to her mom I felt like all that went back with her and all I can hope is that Ms S keeps learning and growing and does good.

So with all of this being said we should have at least learn something right.  And that is the good news this was all for something and it was a learning experiment.  I have ask myself lots of times why have I not had a chance or been able to have a child in 10 years of us together?  I can go on about this subject for years and what is not fare about it but I will save that for another day.  I will say this I look back on 10 years and think about all the children that do have a place in my heart, (let me explain)
-10 years ago I helped an old friend alot with her 4 kids, I was even there in the room when kid 4 was born and cut the cord, Me and J was there alot for those kids then
- 6 years ago we live in an apartment in Utah and this single mother with 2 little girls lived above us.  We helped her out alot with the girls and that Christmas we spent all our money that was saved to buy for each other and help give those girls a wonderful Christmas
- 2 years ago my sister Beka came to live with us for about 5 months.  It was some great fun and it was great to build that bond and what made it more special was she got to welcome J home from Iraq which is a memory we are share
- This year we got to take in Ms S and it was a great joy
PLUS all the kids I have babysitted for, nanny, been a nursery leader for or just let come over and spent the night

So what does all this mean... For me I look at all this has a great blessing.  If I would had gotten pregnant when I wanted to 9 years ago or so would I have made a difference in all these kids lives.  Would I have given so much to all these kids or would I have been busy with my family and not able to do has much has I can now.  I sit back and say I am glad I was able to do what I did and even though some of the kids I will never see again, I don't care I know I did something good.

The other thing we learn is that we can love any child.  We have talked about for years adopting or fostering to adopt programs but deep down J was always scared that he would not be able to look at a child given to him at any age and begin to love that child.  He fell in loved with Ms S and that was the first time to meet her so now he tells me he knows that he can love any child even if it is not blood.  I am thankful that he was able to realized that for I always knew he could but he had to find it within his own heart.  So we have put on our plans to try to foster to adopt but first we need to save some money and try to get some help for J issues then we will begin down that road.

Well, I am going to stop writing but here is a quote I found and fell in love with and reminds me to keep my head up
Fall, fall hard. And if you get your heart broken you will recover in time but the impact youre making on that child's life will never go away.
-

Sundays

Okay, I been thinking about writing this blog all week.  I feel like I need advise or help on things that will help me, not be so scared or how to "fit in".  I have loved moving all over the world don't get me wrong but the one thing that scares me and worries me the most is going to a new ward or church. I will make myself sick and get really bad anxiety attacks just thinking about the whole week before.  I know what I should do but I make myself so sick that I can't do it! Does that make any sense?

Let me explain something, I grew up in a small ward and lived in the same church till I was 18.  I love this ward and it was like a family.  I even move back to Buna to go back to the ward after I got married because I enjoy it.  And, that is the reason when Jeremy gets out of the Army I want to move back to Buna because I fell like that is my home! So, I never learn how to move and how to "fit in" in other wards and I guess I never realized it that I have trouble making friends.

Well, in 2005 we moved to Utah.  It never cross my mind on how different the church would be or that I would not "Fit in."  I never fit in, no one would even come say hi to me I just set in the back row every week and during Relief Society, I never felt so alone. Oh, every week they would come ask me my name for the roll but that was it, then after months they would try to guess which was worst in my book.   It got to a point that every week I would end up walking out of church in tears cause I felt so alone and going to church would just make me more home sick.  I just got what was the point going is all it did was make me more upset.  So, while Jeremy was at AIT I packed up our apartment and move back in with my Dad for a few months so I could be active in church.

Then in 2008 we moved to Huntsville, GA.  I was scared again about going to a new ward and how I would fit in.  Something I learn here was I felt like the main reason I could not make friends was because I don't have kids.  Every time we move the first question people ask "what about kids" and then when they found out we don't have kids I feel like "oh they are newlyweds and don't like kids so I have nothing in common with them" Which is not true and I feel like I am always being punished for not having kids.  I feel like the church always have "play dates" and alot of people make friends though their kids.  And here I am been marry for 10 years, 31 year old and I can't make friends cause everyone my age should have a kid.  So, I feel like I am punished for that.

So, the ward seem nice where one of the first things I got invited to was a bunch of wives would take their kids to the park, have a picnic and visit.  I explain that I dont have any kids but they beg that I come anyways, so I did hoping it would help me make friends and not be so scared.  Well, I remember sitting there while they talk about when they were pregnant and childbirth.  So, it was a backfire on me and I never felt like I should go to another one.  So, during this time I would go to church sit in the back and try to leave before anyone saw me.  I did not want to talk to people sometimes I would stay for all 3 hours but some times I would let my anxiety make me sick so I would have an excuses to leave.  I went so I could say I was there but did not want to be.

Well, during this time there was a couple of ladies that I have meet in Relief Society a few times that every time I saw them around town would stop and talk to me, ask me how I was doing and let me know if there was an activity soon or what was going on, to make sure I knew.  I hope these sisters realized how much this meant to me, cause I that point I realized that this was not like Utah they actually knew who I am and it felt good.  So, Jeremy was about to deployed in 4 months and the Military Missionaries came by like always but when talking with them said something about the wards needs people because a bunch of the guys were deploying and needs people.  Which I explain to them that I love working in primary and all my callings have been in nursery or teaching Sunbeams, that I would love to help out any time.  So, the next Sunday they introduce me to the one of the sisters that was in the Primary Presidency.  She explain to me that they actually was going to need a sub in nursery and ask if I would be willing!

Well, excited and scared all at the same time, but that was a blessing and what I needed.  I remember walking into the gym and meeting the lead teacher, M, and sitting about 16 kids playing on the floor, and was shocked cause I never seen a nursery so big.  I have to say that was my favorite Sunday in a long time.  During the next week I got stop at the grocery store by the Primary presidency if I could sub again in nursery the following week, and maybe for a few weeks after.  Smiling really big I said yes! So a couple of weeks later I got called to work in the nursery and it was a great joy.  M (the other teacher) became a good friend and help me get involved.  I also got to know a lot of the parents that had kids in nursery.  I love it and Sundays had actually went from my worst day to my favorite day of the week.  Not only did I go every Sunday now, but I did not feel shy any more and I went to Relief Society activities I started helping on Wednesday, and just got involved.  I had finally found another ward like my "home" ward.  I say thanks if you are reading this to everyone in Hinesville that became a friend!

Then I cried two years later when I had to leave that ward and the friends that I had made to go to Germany.   I was so scared that how it was over there.  I did not know if there would be a English/military branch or if I would be going a German ward.  Well, we was in a small ward that was both English and German.  They spoke both languages which made it very hard to pay attention.  At first I enjoyed the ward, every one seem nice and people was very helpful when Jeremy was in the hospital and we did not have a car.  I enjoyed the ward, we just did not get to go that often cause Jeremy was either at work or in the hospital.  Well, a few months later, we get told that people from the ward was talking about us and all this stuff about Jeremy and how he was faking to get attention.  At that point we also notice that no one talk to us anymore too.  Then I went to the PX where I ran into someone that looked at me shock, cause she said she was told that we had already left Germany.  I was frustated that people are talking about us so why would I want to go.  And, also we never went cause Jeremy was scared about having a seizure in church.

Well, now we are in San Antonio and I have looked it up we will be in the Woodlake Ward.  Why I know nothing of the ward I am scared for Sunday to come.  We have not been to church since we move here cause we did not have a car, then I did not know what ward to go to since we were in an hotel.
So, Sunday I am going but I am so scared.  Should I be scared to go to church? I am scared not knowing anyone, then I have to worry about Jeremy and how is he going to do.  Is he going to have a seizure in the middle of it and make a scene? Will he be able to enjoy it? Will he have a seizure when I am not around and they call 911?  What if he has a seizure during scarement, will it scare children? Okay, I am going to stop sorry for writing a book... I just had to get it off my chest!

Leaving Germany

Well, it is 11pm on this Monday and I am sitting in the dark looking out at the beautiful Germany landscape.  I just have too much emotion to sleep so I thought I would blog since I have not done it in a while.

Ten months ago when I sat at the Houston Airport waiting on my flight to fly over here to Germany, I was so scared out of mine mind.  All, I could picture about Germany was everything was different, the language, money, food, and for sure the driving.  When we talked about coming to Germany it seem like a excitement but then it soon hit me that I was not coming over here as a vacation but I would have to live here the excitement wore off.

So, I won't lie I did spend the first 2 months or so, crying every night that I wanted to go home (which I did not care if it was Fort Stewart or Texas) I just wanted out of Germany.  I felt like I could not leave post cause I did not know what anyone was saying or how their money worked.  I was afraid to go shopping and ride the bus.  The one thing I hated was going out to eat.  I hated paying 2 Euro for a glass of water that was mineral water so it was nasty.  Then for the first couple of months I would only eat a schnitzel and pommes (fries).

Then I got a car and begun driving a little around Schweinfurt and started to learn my way around and learn to enjoy shopping again.  Soon we begun going all around Germany and seeing the wonderful country.  I enjoyed getting that chance to go and see it.  I did have a list of places I wanted to go like Italy, Paris, Czech, Berlin, and Austria but with Jeremy's health issues we never got to leave Germany.  At first I was upset by that, but then I realized that when I graduated from Buna High and had my mind on leaving Buna, TX I never thought I would every go to Europe yet alone live there for almost a year.  So, I am happy that I had the chance I had to live over here and their will always be a love for Germany even though I am going back to the good ole USA!

So, I thought about writing down some of the things I will miss about Germany!

1) The beautiful country side.  It does not matter where you are driving or which way you go I just love to get in the car and go.  It is so beautiful and picture perfect.  It looks just like you see on post cards and in pictures.  Beautiful!

2) Well, I was never really a history bluff, but I always love to study about the places I have been.  Living over here has gotten me back into studying history and learn a lot more about the history.  I love how some of these castles and churches are so old even older then America.  It just seems so unreal, at how old some of the places are here.

3) The old cities.  Again with old stuff I know but I love how the cities are lay out.  You park your car and just wonder up and down the cobber stone streets shopping, site seeing or whatever you want.  They all have a center market which makes it nice and you just wonder from there and there is always good things to eat.

4)   The food! Yes, I know I said it was something I hate at first but then I fell in love with.  I will miss eating schnitzel, jager-schnitzel, European Pizza, Italian Eis, brats, doners, and pretzels. Oh, not to mention the candy...gummy stuff, chocolate, and ice cream.  But, I am craving some good Tex-Mex food!!

5) The driving!!! First of all the autobahn I thought would be scary was actually more fun.  I love the idea of going 80-90mph and not worrying about get pulled over.  That being said some times in towns the Germans suck at driving.  Now lets just see how many time people honk at me for waiting on a green light to turn right  or how long till my first ticket on the interstate.

6) The markets and shopping experiment.  I love how they celebrate everything and have a market full or shopping.   I am glad I got to experience one German Christmas and hope to bring some of the German traditions like St Nicholas day back with me to the US.  Also love Easter here too and I have a new love for how to decorate eggs.

Well, that is all I can think of now.  I do hope to come back here one day and see more places, but until then I will have the memories I made in these 10 months.  We keep joking that we should start saying and on our 20 year anniversary in 10 years (we hit 10 in August) that we should come back with our kids and tour the country.  So, we shall see!

Cupcakes!

Cherry 7-up and Raspberry Lemon-Aide

So a little over a year ago my husband got me for Christmas/Surviving Deployment Gift was a Kitchen-Aide Standing Mixer. He was really nervous about spending that amount of money on something he did not even know I would use. So I made a promise that I would use it as much as possible and and to try to make more things from scratch. And I am so happy to say since I have been here I have made every kind of bake good from scratch. I am proud of myself.

Anyways, I love all those baking shows: "The Cake Boss" "Ace of Cakes", "Cupcake Wars" and etc. They always make me want to try and get better in decorating and baking. So, at first I begin with trying to make cakes. I want to make the fancy font cakes, a couple of layers high and decorate. Well, that was unsuccessful due to I always end up with at least half of a cake on the floor because it is so moist it falls about in my hands. I also got tired of wasting all that money cause me and J don't eat much cake (actually I don't like it). Cake was also one of those things that you can't share easily, I did not feel right knocking on people's door with half a cake saying here you go! So me and J would eat 2 piece and throw the rest away.

So, then I seen lots of friends on Facebook and Pinterest doing lots of beautiful sugar cookies. So I thought that would be easy enough. And it was kinda! I have the recipe down for the sugar cookies and the icing that hardens so you can stack them. Also, cookies you can pass out and J can take them to work. So, that was going to be my new thing. Well, I found out I am not that good at it. My hand shakes really bad when I am trying to outline the cookies and hold and squeeze the bag that my lines start going all over the place. I don't have a steady hand to do the outline and if you don't outline them, it is hard to get them to look right. So, I could never get writing on them or drawing faces are anything right.

So, then I got me a book about cupcakes. Not just your normal favorite cupcakes but it is filled with all different kinds of cupcakes and different ways to decorate them. Now, I have fallen in love with doing cupcakes I can say that. I love trying different favors and extracts and getting different favors. Also you don't have to pipe that much, I mean I pipe the frosting on there but since you just do a circle it not has hard has the cookies. I was trying to make a different kind of cupcake every month but I have not been that successful but what I have is a start. So here are the ones I have done so far: Strawberry Cheesecake Cupcake with Cream Cheese Frosting, Rootbeer Float Cupcake and a cone with Rootbeer Buttercream frosting, Yellow cupcakes with Buttercream frosting that I tied-dyed, Cherry 7-Up Cupcake with Cherry 7-Up Buttercream frosting, and a Lemonaide Cupcake with a fresh Raspberry-Lemonaide Buttercream frosting. So, now what favors should I try next....?

Rootbeer Float in a Cone!

Neuschwanstein and Hohenschwangau Castle

President's weekend was a 4 day and we wanted to get out and see some of Germany before we are heading back to the US. So I said I would be really mad if I never got to see the Neuschwanstein Castle while I was here in Germany. So, we decide to do just that and make it an over night trip, kinda like a small get away. It was so pretty, like a fairy tale, all cover in snow. It was so much like a dream come true. I think I actually fell more in love with the Hohenschwangau Castle more then the Neuschwanstein castle. Also, our hotel room had a view of both of the castle, but that being said... Neuschwanstein the back of the castle was being worked on so that view was not that pretty. Anyways, here are some pictures from our stay! Enjoy!

PS If you would like to see the rest of the pictures here is the link:

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150620912068117.411854.762033116&type=3&l=b4a38d0659